Sweet Home Philadelphia

Getting the Pilates On- and I need a soundtrack for running

2011-08-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

Well, so the "running" part of half marathon prep didn't happen last week. But, I did make it to pilates. And, let me tell you, pilates every day is awesome. I was skeptical but the returns are amazing.

I'm hoping to make it out running this week. I want to do a 3 mile group run on Tuesday evening, a Thursday morning interval run, and then an early Saturday morning long run. And, keep going to pilates daily.

So, I need a soundtrack for my running.

What should I listen to?

Half Marathon Schedule

2011-07-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, I gotta write this stuff down if I am going to start really training. And, I am not to focus on the guy who called me the chubby girl tonight. I did enjoy telling him to shut the f up.

Sunday- 60 mins of run 5 mins walk 1 min
Monday- Pilates, 3 mile walk
Tuesaday- Am Sprints. Pilates. 3 mile walk.
Wed- 3 miles run in the am. Pilates and 3 mile walk in evening.
Thursday- Intervals in the am- Hotstepper sytle. Pilates in the evening. 3 mile walk

( The three mile walk is how I get home at night.)

Let me get through week one and see how it goes.

Oh, and I am pre-gaming with Lithe tomorrow in Philly.

A long hiatus

2011-07-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I wrote and wrote for nearly two years. Then like that, I forgot about you. I have to blame the yoga. I should have known that I am not a yoga person. I was doing Yoga nightly the last I wrote and learning to run. Wouldn't you know it- the yoga overstretched me and then I got sick, and everything else went well to...

I also had a bit fun. I went to Vegas, Cali, Jamaica, NYC, Philly, Switzerland, Germany, Frace, and Spain. Oh, and I got hit by a car while biking.

Heath wise- I did run a ten miler race and finish. Nearly last but not last. I then ran three 5K races.

Now, while I am still sulking that www.lithemethod.com is opening in NYC before DC-- I am taking pilates-- even on the machines, too.

Anyways, I am back because I need your help. I forgot I signed up for a half marathon. Since getting hit my a car, I haven't run. And, I want to. I really do. but, there is a heat wave. And I'm busy. And, I'm excuses.

So, I thought I could write about my running. Is that cool?

Thanks
Me

The Human Body is AMAZING

2010-12-21T20:36:00.001-08:00

Perhaps I am still in an endorphin induced buzz from a great dc hotstepper, but I am so in love with the human body right now.
A month ago, I started to run. It hurt. My legs- every last muscle- from inner thighs to outer thighs to squads and calves- all hurt. My lungs- they want to go on strike. My pride- it was at the bottom of the Schuylkill River.
I hated not being able to run a well. Or feel confident.
I hated starting to feel like I was getting out of shape.
So, I hotstepped again and again.
And, I got back to DC and joined the Lulelemon ( I know, I am yuppie. It's true. What would NID say?) run club. And, I ran three miles without STOPPING.
I've kept running. Four weeks of run club. Solo runs on my own.
And, yoga. I've been going three to four times a week.

My body is waking up. It's starting to respond. My lungs are at the negotiating table and they asking for more running. My muscles are no longer sore- in fact, they are more flexible and stronger.

And, me, I am so much happier. I am even training for a ten mile race for April 3rd!

How is that to celebrate my health anniversary.

The human body listens. The human body responds to healthy living. I kinda of need to thank g-d for making such amazing organizing.

A Yoga Hater Quits Hating, or How I learned to Love Downward Dog

2010-12-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

I was the most passionate yoga hater. I hated everything about yoga from carrying yoga mats/ rentals, honoring the light in peoples, and especially downward dog. I really really hated downward dog when I started on this journey.

To be honest, I hated downward dog because I didn't have the strength and flexibility to hold myself.

Almost two years later, I decided to give yoga a go, not because I liked or I wanted to like yoga but because I needed to work out here in DC and I wasn't finding a place that worked. Via Facebook, I learned about Tranquil Space in DC, and I went for a Yin class.

Two weeks and several classes later, I am really loving flow style yoga. I am strong enough and flexible enough to hold the poses, and my body feel better aligned, and my muscles are getting back to being defined.

I even went to Lululemon and bought a bright, blue mat. I still hate carrying it around. I hate the idea of being a "yoga" urban yuppie... I really hate that.

But, yoga, aside from honoring the light, is pretty awesome.

This yoga practice coupled with running just might hold me over until I get to be a daily Lither again.

The Joy of Cooking ($2.88 per meal)

2010-12-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but as a single gal in the city ( no, I won't go all Charlotte from Sex in the City on you), cooking is complicated. First of all, there is time. Between work, working out, social time, and tired time, finding time to cook is a pain. Which is why from grubhub.com to the corner take out place, and of course regular restaurants, thrive and also lead to people like me and probably you eating way too many calories way too quickly. Not to mention, each meal out costs between $10 to $20, so that adds up.
Another challenge with cooking is that recipes for 4 servings. When your like me, I need to cook for one. It's kind of silly to make 1/4 of a recipe. So, for the fast two months, I've decided to spend Sunday evenings making food for the whole week. I started with lunches, and today, I went ahead and made lunches and dinners for the week. I even made a grocery store list ( I guess I am a list person), and found recipies from SmittenKitchen.com.
I spent $45 and made 16 servings worth of food. So that is a whopping $2.88 per meal.

So, I made a few errors, like misreading spices and buying seeds without owning a seed grinder ( anyone want to buy me one?). I learned that you can't fry seeds in butter ( see picture). And, knives do break skin and hot lids cause burns. But, overall it was fun a experience.

First, up, I went to make the Everyday Dal but then I realized I needed to soak the yellow split peas in cold water for an HOUR. Who has a hour for soaking during the week. When I finally get married and am a full time mom, I can soak peas during the week. For now, its a Sunday night evening event.

At first, I was going to fudge the recipie and not soak the peas, but I realized I had two over meals to make, so I reluctantly soaked the peas and moved onto the Black Eyed Peas in Goan Curry.

For the curry, I had to chop veggies and chop up spice seeds since I don't have a spice grinder. It was fin sauteing onions and garlic and doing everything orderly. If I cook during the week, it tends to be a free for all throwing into a pot. Stir-fry a million ways or something like that. But, now, I am following the recipe and taking my time.

I put the curry to simmer for 20 mins and started the Mushroom Bourguignon. I'm not a fan of egg noodles and I am trying to eat around 1300-1400 calories a day, so I decided to modify the recipe to include my favorite food--- QUINOA instead of noodles. Besides curring out calories, I've added more protein and brought in a food that means a lot to me. Quinoa is one the staples of my whole new healthy me. Like the Fiber One and Yogurt, quinoa always recenters me.

For this one, I had to slice of portebello's, heat them up, and then put in a bowl and use the mushroom essence or whatever to sautee the onions, garlic, and stuff like that. Again, steps that working people don't have time to do during the work week. I also didn't buy red wine so I used sherry, and doubled the veggie broth to account for adding quinoa. I let this cook and started back on the Everyday Dal.

This where the evening got interesting. I am not a fan of canola oil so I tried using butter instead, which let's say butter burns at a much lower temperature. So, the kitchen filled a ton of smoke and steam as I let the cumin seeds toast. I had to start over, and luckily it took the formerly soaking split peas 45 minutes to cook so I had ample time to redo the seeds and sauteeing.

A little over two hours later, I was done ( minus the cabbage salad. Perhaps tomorrow.). It felt incredible to know I zero excuses for eating unhealthy, quick food. And, I expanded my skills, learned something new, and am excited I don't have to cook for another week.

Basics

2010-12-04T06:41:00.000-08:00

One thing that I didn't realize I'd gain on my journey in 2009 was a new set of basic tools. The most important basic tool for me is breakfast, and not just any breakfast- Fiber One Cereal with Yogurt.

It's simple and yummy and healthy. These days, I'm using Siggi's Icelandic Skyr ( but made in NY State so sorta local) to mix with my Fiber One. It's super high in protein and the Fiber One gives me over half of my daily fiber.

I also love the story of how Fiber One and yogurt came into my life.

I went to the resturuannt Hummus on Walnut Street in West Philly. I went to order something and asked the gal at the counter if she knew the calorie count. She said it was a lot and suggested something different to order. We started chatting and she mentioned she just graduated from the MSW program at Penn. I explained my sabbatical. She immediately whipped out her container of fiber one cereal she snacked on all day.

She said she eats it for breakfast with yogurt and it gives her energy all day long. With that, I had a new breakfast, and a new appreciation for being honest with the world and myself. I not only got a better lunch but a new breakfast.

And, this breakfast can always recenter me, no matter what is going on in my life.

With that, I need to go eat my breakfast, put on my running shoes, and run on over to my yoga class!

Happy Saturday.

And onto caffeine

2010-12-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

So, this whole remembering to be healthy thing has got me thinking about other area of health. I've realized the free, unlimited coffee in my office ( and free unlimited tea) is perhaps not the best thing for me.

Today, I decided to cut out most caffeine in my life. I'll still have a lovely coffee here and there. But, only here and there. No more three or four a day.

Instead, lots of water and herbal tea.

Today, I did well. No coffee. Mint Tea. But, I did splurge on a Diet Coke ( gosh, I am in a weird place when Diet Coke is a splurge).

I think I like the idea of being to sleep better more then I enjoy an IV's worth of coffee.

Let's see what tomorrow holds.

Wide Second, Releve, and Plie

2010-12-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

It rained this morning and I am not hardcore enough to run in the rain. Well, perhaps a warm summer rain, but not a cold fall winter rain. So, I went back to the barre method class tonight near Logan Circle.
I thought I didn't like it because it couldn't measure up to Lithe. Then, I thought I didn't like it because there was no cardio. But, tonight, I realized why I don't like.

Everyone there is super skinny. Like ballet dancer skinny. Like a student in the class after mine was in a leotard with tights. Like my body can never look like anyone in the class. And, the mirrors, oh my gosh, they seem magnify every single perceived flaw. So, I send the hour of class looking at every fold and curve with a judgmental eye.

I'm torn because I like the leg workout of the class at the barre. The location is between the office and my house. And, I can make myself go. But, I usually feel bad during and after class. I can't hold my led up as high. I can't tuck as severely. I can't go as wide second or a high on releve. It's my anatomy. There are just some things my body can't go.

What I do to build strength, tone muscles, and burn calories is to push my body while respecting my anatomy. That is why I was able to work out daily for nine months at an intense clip without any injuries. That is pretty badass. And, I never felt bad about my body, and that was when I HATED my body. I always felt good working out.

So, I am torn. DC does not have excellent work out facilities. It has trendy "to be seen at" gyms, dirty gyms,and lots of yoga, or super expense private pilates classes. I need a daily group workout place. Well, I know what I need, but its not here.

In the meantime, do I stick with barre? Or, drop it so I feel okay about myself?

A Little Yin

2010-11-30T19:48:00.000-08:00

After five days of hotstepping, high mini, and straight up running, plus a lot of walking around, I made today a rest day. Well, rest for me is not focusing on cardio, so I found a Yin Yoga class through an old friend. I am not the biggest fan of yoga mind you. I am a fairly positive person, more hopeful then pessimistic, sometimes even perky and cheerful, but I hate for a my workout zone to be warm and fuzzy. I was joking that I wanted to find "mean yoga" where you channel anger and energy to visualize fighting evil, like a certain ex-President. However, this new place in DC was tolerable.
I chose Yin Yoga because it is all about holding a stretch. After lots of running and bouncing, my muscles get all kinds of tight and well, I am bad about daily stretching. But, in this class, I am guided to hold a hip opener for five minutes. And, that also helps with concentration in general. I felt a lot stronger and relaxed after the class. I'm going to try to go twice a week.

If I can run four times a week, Yin Yoga twice a week, ballet barre twice a week, and walk/bike to and from work ( 60 mins/ 30 mins) each day, then I think I'll be doing okay.

Unlike before, I don't have a clear number goal, per se. I don't care ( well, perhaps a little) about the scale or my clothes size. I just want to keep getting stronger.

Any thoughts?

My First 3 miles

2010-11-29T20:08:00.001-08:00

I hate running, or atleast I used to. I have a weird lower body- arthritis since age 8 in my knees, and the alignment is all off. As a child, I couldn't run fast, and being a competitive person, I didn't like doing things that I had no chance of winning. Running became a nightmare to me but I ended up playing soccer, managing cross country, and participating in the field events of track and field.
Fast forward to years and years later, and I found myself running in Hotstepper. I liked the runners high and laughed off being the slowest person as I lost 70 pounds. Now, 1.75 years into my new healthy me, I ended up in three Hotsteppers and a High Mini class over four days during Thanksgiving Break. The first two were awesome and I noticed I wasn't nearly as tired as I used to be during Hotsteppers. I was still slow but it was a whole new experience. Then on Sunday, the instructor made the intervals a lot longer and faster. While my body was fine, my mind was like "I CANT DO THIS". I was even on the verge of tears as the group flew so far ahead of me. I was in a pretty bad mood about it during the whole bus ride home to DC. But, I was inspired. Four days in a row of intense physical activity had woken me up.
I joined the Lululemon Run Club for their 6:30pm run and opted for the 3 mile group. I fell to the back of the group, and then my right foot start to hurt. I stopped and decided to quit but then I stretched out my foot, and started again. I swore I would stop at Euclid Street but I made it to Columbia Road, and then 13th, and then U Stret, and then back to Lululemon. No one cared that I was the slowest. Neither did I. Every block I ran was a victory against my own self doubt. I figured out how to pace myself. I kept one foot in front of another, my breathing regulated, and broke through my own person brick wall with barbed wire fence.
I know I can keep running. I even liked it. I think I could even love this.
So, thanks to Lithe for pushing me again. I realized that in my head, I am still the 240 pound person, and I hold myself to the standard that the old me could work out at. Where it was just about showing up that matter. Now, I am stronger, thinner, and have no idea what I can do with my body. I need to learn my new limits so I can keep pushing myself.
And, in the end, I am okay with being the worlds slowest runner if that means I am running.

Four more pounds

2010-11-18T22:04:00.001-08:00

Well, it's that time of the year again. I'm post election and pre- time of the year where I remember making the choice to get healthy. I'm coming up on my two year mark. Can you believe it?

Two years ago, I am unhealthy, miserable, unhappy, and couldn't walk to the metro.
Two years ago, I thought I could only be happy if I was skinnier than Kate Moss.

Today, I am healthy, happy, and can run to metro, bike 30 miles and then some, and stretch and bend and reach for the stars.

I'm def not nearly as skinny as Kate Moss. I'm okay with that. In fact I love that because I have a real body. So take that fashion mags circa 1992!

That is not to say I don't have hard months. Recovering from a weight issue is a marathon. I had a few hiccups and now I am cruising along.

I'm using myfitnesspal on my Droid X to record my calories again ( counting matters) and I've lost four pounds.

I kinda like being happy. It's been an amazing 21 months. I'm looking forward to celebrate my two year on Feb 1st.

How should I celebrate?

Learning to Like Exercise Again

2010-09-20T20:21:00.001-07:00

Since moving to DC in Feb/March, I've struggle with exercise. I was/am so in love with Lithe Method that I compared every new exercise to Lithe and nothing measured up. Mostly, because Lithe is really the best one hour exercise program in the United States.

I tried the Bar Method and left almost in tears. Then, I joined Vida but never went. And, while I did buy a bike and cycle all over, that really isn't an intense workout.

So, three weeks ago, as I saw my muscle tone begin to disappear and I started to get tired again, and was cranky, I climbed up the three flights stairs to the Bar Method studio in DC and bought an unlimited pass for the month.

The first week sucked. It kept reminding me how much I missed Lithe. But, I kept going and while my form wasn't perfect and I didn't like their combo's, I still kept going.

Three weeks late, I feel a lot better. My muscle tone is coming back to my arms and my back. My legs are stronger, and I am more flexible.

I'm letting go of it not being Lithe and embracing it for it is- a strong pilates based work out.

( and I am still praying every night for Lithe to make it to DC)

It's been a year

2010-09-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, its been a year since I wrote the Good-bye Bra post about leaving Philadelphia and heading up to Boston to work on a campaign.

It's been a year and two days now that I left my cacoon of Philadelphia where I spent seven or eights months focusing on relearning health. Every day focused on walking, lunging, core work, seat work, thigh work, cooking quinoa, eating yogurt, and learning how to forgive myself for getting this way. Frankly, forgiving myself was definetly the hardest path. The losing weight was determination mixed with calorie math. Calories + Calories Out= Weight Loss or Weight Gain.

In the year since leaving Philadelphia, I haven't hit that magically goal weight but I haven't gained any weight, either. Some how, I managed to figure out how to live with out counting calories or living on a scale.

I have had a few panicked moments but I dealt with them and solved problems. I miss Philadelphia- but hey, who wouldn't miss having time to write, think, pray, exercise, and get healthy.

There is a still a part of me that wants to hit that magically number but I know that loosing 30 more pounds won't change my life other than in the wallet-- lots of new clothes.

Instead, I work out because I enjoy working out.
I eat mostly healthy because I like eating healthy.
I eat higher calories when I want to and I don't hate myself for it.

I've learned to make incredible gelato and can bike for hours at end.

And, I don't have to be perfect.

Stress and Food and Me

2010-06-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I want chocolate right now. Or pie. Or Ice Cream.

I am not hungry.

I am just stressed.

And sad.

And anxious.

And worried.

I am scared that I might fall back into old habits for handling stress. I am not trusting myself or my success.

I am going to go to NJ tomorrow.

For now, I am going to drink water and exhale.

Blah... This Bites

2010-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

So of course, less than twenty four hours after writing about being scared because so much is going right in my life. the shoe I was waiting to drop dropped.

I found tonight that my grandmother is back in the hospital. It's something about heart rate and stuff like that.

And, me being me, and being scared, and annoyed, and sad, I doused it with junk food and a bottled Starbucks frappacino.

So, I am going to wake up early, put on my bran knew blue Vibram running shoes and go for a run.

And, I am going to decide if I need to go to NJ.

And, I am going to pray. I really want her to get better.

On Getting Scared

2010-06-28T19:55:00.001-07:00

So, things are going well. I've kept my weight since September, so over 9 months- and during that time I was on two campaigns and under a lot of stress. I have a great apartment with awesome house mates, and let's say my garden is going to rock August.

Sometimes, things going well is scary for me. I am worried, you know, wow, things are going to have to fall out. I mean, that is how it happens, right.

So, I am a little scared right now.

I am going to own the scaredness.

And, I am going to see it in the rear view mirror.

This is Lithe or Jillian Michael's Who?

2010-06-24T21:42:00.001-07:00

Wow! Just wow! When I went to fithiphealthy.com to get my daily fix today, let's just say my jaw dropped. ( For newbies, that is Lauren's blog from Lithe Method)

I was so happy to see Philly Mag showing off America's next top trainer. I mean once she makes it national, America will be saying, Jillian Michaels, who?

Lithe is what gave the physical activity part of my getting healthy. And, being the social media person I am, I found about it through facebook when I friended Lauren after not seeing her for about a decade. When went to high school together but were in different grades and I think had a chem class together a one point.

But, one day I saw her status update about being in Vogue and I was like what- that is pretty hot. I thought I was cool for just meeting Matt Damon and bowling with Obama but being in Vogue is pretty damn awesome. Like any interested person, I clicked on the link- and my life changed.

I learned about Lithe, google it, found the website, and read about immersion.

Two months later when I decided to take the sabbatical and write this blog, I emailed Lauren to see if there was a spot in Immersion and changed my plan from a month of Bikram ( and writing about each pose on a different day), to Lithe.

It was slightly weird to think of getting in shape in a different city at place owned by someone from high school. But, the weirdness melted away after my first steps into the studio. I knew I found the place where I could get healthy and I was quite proud that someone from my hometown created the most effective new workout in America.

What I love about Lithe is that its body positive without coming from a slant. It's not the Kate Harding "We need to be proud to be fat" or the Kate Moss wanna be sticks. It's simply love your body, treat it well through exercise and healthy eating, have fun- like drink on the weekends and enjoy good foods, wear fun clothes, and oh, treat the earth well, too. It's sustainability for the body and the planet.

I am so proud that Lauren is able to show off what her work out system has done for her body and for countless women and men in Philajersey. I can't wait till she is national and I can say I trained with her!

So, buy a copy of Philly Mag in July and if you are in Philly- just sign for July Immersion- you'll love it.

Missing Lithe and Trampoline Time

2010-06-23T21:40:00.001-07:00

Gosh. What a week! Let's say, while I am glad to have gotten rid of 180 pounds yesterday, and I'm grateful for the support from wonderful friends and my community of readers. That said, I am ready to kick back into high gear of working out.

NO- It's not cause I want to drop 20 pounds or two pants sizes. Rather, I like how happy I feel when I work out a lot. I much prefer the feeling of endorphins than the fatigue from a few cocktails at a fundraiser without eating dinner.

One of my favorite www.lithemethod.com classes of all time is Fat Free- its an hour of abs, arms, jumping on the trampoline, and the most grusemone lunge series you'll ever do in your life. And, I love every second.

Since Lithe has yet to make it DC and I haven't found anywhere I like to work out, I am going to buy a mini trampoline and a few weigths and going to make my own Fat Free workout.

The idea of waking up early to jump up and down while looking at my garden seems like heaven. I figure thirty minutes of jumping everyday will get my endorphins back up to my sabbatical levels.

And, then I'll be unstoppable.

Ohh, I am also going to buy a pair of the Viram barefoot running shoes. Yikes, that is a lot of buying going on.

If I'm lucky, I can post pics of me jumping up and down tomorrow!

Both Sides Now

2010-05-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. So, its been a bit of times since my last post. I am still not sure how I balance the writing when I am working on a project. And, yes, I'll get to the "Both Sides Now" in a the next paragraph. That said, while I have yet to meet the magical perfect number on the scale ( my original goal of weighing 140 pounds), I am wicked fucking proud to report than since leaving Philadelphia in September 2009, I have not gained any weight and have managed to keep my weight rocking out. Sure, I didn't meet the goal that I thought the journey was about, but damn, I found so many new goals I never even thought I could reach. I just wanted to look perfect but instead I found happy. I just wanted to be a size two, instead I found the ability to jump and dance around. I just wanted to be Kate Moss, but instead I found me. And, I kinda like me.

It's like I have looked at life both sides now, from sadness and sorrow, to dancing and laughing. It seems I didn't know life before, but now, I know life. I know its about plugging through on the bad days, and reaching out. Its about stepping back and listening. It's holding out a hand, and not quiting when you don't get the thanks. In this journey, I thought I was going from fatness to thinness, instead I was going from sadness to happiness. It's finding a few good moments and clutching onto them and remembering that it will all get better. I've looked at life from both sides now, and I know its pretty amazing.

Hot Pink Bikkini

2010-03-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

Wow. So, today, in San Juan, Puerto Rico, I bought my first bikini in like ten years. I am trying to think when I last wore a bikini and it had to be somewhere in the last 90's.

It was def a little weird to walk into a hip surf shop and be able to fit into a bikini, and to feel comfortable enough to leave the dressing room to see the big mirrors. And, I decided wow, hot pink- who knew it was MY color. Who knew that it could work. Who knew that I feel comfortable wearing one.

It's a little weird to think that tomorrow I'll be on a beach in Isabella wearing a hot pink bikini. A year ago, that would have been such a laughable thought.

These are my new benchmarks. It's no longer about freaking out over a pound here or a pound there ( though I am tracking my weight). It's about enjoying being me nearing 100%. It's enjoying being able to wear a bikini and not freak out even though my body isn't as perfect as I'd like it to be. It's embracing flaws I perceive and pushing through. It's smiling and buying the hot pink bikini.

I'm not sure if I'll feel a hundred percent comfortable. I'm not sure about a lot of things. But, you just keep going and you figure it out along the way.

And, sunscreen.

I bought a tube of sunscreen to go along with my new hot pink bikini.

Now, will I want to put up a pic tomorrow of the bikini?

Not Gonna Lie, This is Hard

2010-02-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

So, I am not gonna lie- this is hard. Not hard in a climbing mountain without any gear hard, but more of a hard like "wow, I it's a lot more work." I've moved back to DC for DC 3.0 chapter of my life. I working on a fun and important project and I'm trying to incorporate everything I've learned.

But, it's hard. It's hard to steal away time to go to pilates.

It's hard to remember to plan food ahead of time.

It's hard to avoid having that beer at a bar with friends- especially now that I have a type of beer I love- Rogue!

But, hard is okay, you know. I know its going to be hard but I am peace with that. I'm going to allow myself room the succeed and not hold onto #fail days.

And, I'm going to have fun. Lots of fun.

The Roots of Health

2010-02-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to spend 48 hours with the best and brightest change makers from across the United States. Since I try to somewhat separate out my work world with my weight loss/ health journey, I am going to avoid using descriptive words on this blog. Funny, as I am getting ready to write a long disclaimer about separating out my work life with my health life, I realize I'm being silly. Why? Because the folks in my "work" world have been nothing less one hundred supportive of my health journey. From reading this blog, to telling me how wonderful I look, I have had their energy to carry me for the past year. That said, I'm still going to be a little coy.

I had a lot of fun at the unconference. Besides seeing old friends, making new friends, and learning about new ideas, I had the chance to lead a session on Staying Healthy. As I began the session, I realize that my preconceived notion of staying healthy meant calories in, calories out. As I listened to the men and women in the session, I realized that staying healthy at work was so much more that just calories, which is something I learned over the past year, but didn't like to verbalize. It meant- being sustainable, it meant getting sleep, it meant being able to avoid burn out, and it meant having a reliable schedule.

It was powerful to talk about health with people who I fight side by side with for a greater justice. And, I am inspired to figure out how to teach and share what I've learned over the past year, and what I am learning every day.

Each day, as I wake up, I am aware that I as I work for justice, I have to take care me. Work smarter, not harder. Take pilates for lunch. Keep breakfast in the office.

And Back to Counting...

2010-02-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

( First- I love that my favorite cafe in Philly plays the Decembrists, sell fair trade coffe, and is hald a block from Lithe. I'm in heaven right now.)

So, since I want to serious about the final 20 pounds, I've decided that after five months of not tracking my food, that I need to start my counting of food intake. It's a little annoying, but its fun you know. It allows me to be mindful of what I put into my body, and to refocus a bit on goals.

So, I'm starting my "Final Stretch" google spreadsheet.

But, it doesn't mean I'm being strict like I was this time last year. For example, I enjoyed incredible waffle fries and a hot chocolate with my friend today. Loved it. Wouldn't trade it.

Later though, I won't have that kind of snack tonight.

I've learned moderation, and how to enjoy eating, and not eat to enjoy life.

Here's to the final stretch.

Almost a Size 8!

2010-02-08T13:35:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to think about something else to write about beyond the whole journey of losing the final 20 pounds.

I realized that I haven't touched on body image for a while, and what body image means a year in losing weight.

I tried on my pair Lane Bryant jeans that I wore when I weighed 240 pounds. I stood in front of the mirror and I pulled the waist to make it full, and I could the space I no longer hold.

I look at the backside, and I saw fold of materials instead of my butt taking up a lot of space.

I just saw lots and lots of material.

I can't remember being that big in terms of the physical space I took up. What I do remember is the constant feeling of hating my body. And, that was a constant.

And, now, I can fit into a size 8 Ann Taylor pant. It's not a perfect fit, yet. But it fits.

But more than fitting in a size 8, I can actually say that I don't spend my time worrying about my body. Yes, I am still aware of my body. But, more like a little kid experience Disney for the first time. Everything is new for me- from wearing little black dresses, running through the snow, and hanging out with friends.

So, yes, while I am totally over the horribleness of going through the trauma/drama of being morbidly obese, I am leaps and bounds father towards healing then I ever imagined!

Thoughts for Next Week

2010-02-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

In gchatting with a friend from hotbysummerdc.wordpress.com I came up with two ways to think about losing weight and I want to write more about them next week, but want you ponder them for the weekend.

1:
its okay to want to be who you think your are supposed to be
if that's thinner cool
if its curvy that cool
as long as its healthy

2. lose the hate while losing weight ie: as your drop the pounds, is more important to lose the hate you might have to yourself.

Okay, so I am inspired today. Blame the endorphins from the workout. And, blame me finally have faith in myself again. I can kick mother effing ass!

3 Less Pounds

2010-02-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note:

I lost three more pounds. What can I say, when I am campaign for health mode, like I am right now, I like to blog more, and when I blog more, I lose more.

SO, my 20 or so final pounds starts today from this point.

Here's to a great start!

Getting High

2010-02-05T05:56:00.000-08:00

In follow up to my last post about the erg ( row machines), the feeling of being absolutely dead subsided.

And, in fact, I was left with one of the greatest high's I have gotten at a workout.

It was a I'm not gonna let Scott Brown being sworn-in get me down high.

It was a I'm wide wake with a new lease on life high.

It was a wow, I must have had an excess of endorphins pent up in my body released all at once kind of high.

It was a who needs drugs when you got a one minute all out sprint kind of high.

Anyways, I have a confidence on an erg that I lack in running. On an erg, I go an all out and know I know won't end up falling on the ground or failing to keep up with the group. On a erg, it's just pulling my personal best splits and making it until the end.

I think I want to get high again! (Only this time in the morning- a girl's gotta sleep)

And. I feel dead

2010-02-04T15:37:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh. I started this whole final twenty thing with a bang.

A long, long time ago, in another century, I rowed for a year in college. I rowed with awesome athletes, one of whom went on to row in the Olympics! But as I said, that was in the previous century.

I have not been near an erg is about ten years. But, I finally decided to take up the Row Zone on their free first class. Basically, its a group indoor rowing class with ab work thrown in. I had to go to this because: a- it's free, b- the lithe classes didn't fit into my schedule tonight, and c- I was way too self- conscious to try this last year.

I climbed on the erg, strapped in my feet, and grabbed the handle. And, it all came back for me. Somewhere, my muscles remembered how to push and then lean back. I remembered that I loved being able to watch the numbers get smaller and smaller and distance increase.

I liked being out of breath during the sprints. But, after a year of Lithe, I don't like anyone else core work. Lithe owns the market on ab work and strength training.

I might throw in an rowing class once a week for the aerobic workout. I suck at and more importantly don't really like running, but with his rowing thing, I can get to the out of breathless that I can't get when I run and sustain it for a longer amount of time.

But, right now, I kind of want to die. I haven't felt this out of breath since... well, I was a collegiate rower.

The Final 20 pounds

2010-02-04T12:36:00.000-08:00

Now that I am solidly in year two of being healthy, I am back into goal thinking. And, I've decided that I want to conquer the final twenty pounds of my weight.

This adventure is different, though. One, I'm not doing it because I hate my body. In fact, I kinda like it these days. Two, I;m not doing out of panic. I'm fairly calm and relaxed these.

So why am I doing it?

Simple, I have extra fat on my body that I haven't lost yet. And, I may not need to lose 20 pounds to get it all off. I'm starting with a hard number because I am an organizer and hard numbers are the only ones that count.

Beside getting back into campaign ( weight loss campaign mindset), I am also getting backing into math mode. For this part, I want to have a test done that measures my current body fat, that was I can use a simple algebraic equation to figure out how much weight I actually need to lose to get to ideal body composition.

I'm basically going to figure out how to keep exercising everyday- even when I can't afford classes, clean up my eating, and be mindful of everything around me.

Any thoughts on the final leg?

A Year Worth of Thanks

2010-02-02T09:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Team Melissa:

Oh my. A year ago today, I hopped on a NJ Transit bus to Philadelphia, clenching my teeth, holding my breath, and expecting to fail. My first Lithe Method class was that evening, so I said goodbye to my years of unhealthy living with one last bag of Doritos and a hot dog pretzel. I didn't realize, though, that I wasn't alone, or as bad off as I thought. I didn't realize I had a team of people to gently lift me up as I walked, crunch, and healthy foodie my way back to being me.

I need to really thank my Team Philadelphia. From Lydia, JJ, and Joe who found me housing, where I could have quiet space to think, pray, meditate, cry, and relearn being me. Thank you.

And, Team Philadelphia isn't complete with Team Lithe. I have no idea where else in the world is an exercise program that works, demands proper alignment, and values all body types. A lot larger women find it daunting to go to a studio to work out. At Lithe- all women are welcome as long as you do the work. And, the atmposphere is so supportive. It's an incredible community of women focusing on being healthy. I've made great friends from it, and will gladly help Lithe open up anywhere in the world!

I also have to thank my Team Friends. I couldn't have done this without all my friends from all over the world checking on me. From Jenna's constant support, Adam's great food ideas and telling me eat more, to Reshma's loyalty, and Ting's great advice- I was able to fell supported all the time.

And, Steve- because he blessed me with a year instead of a month!

I'm afraid to write a whole of list of people because I might leave someone off, accidentally. And, that would be sad. So, I'm going to send this out to everyone-

Thanks for being with me as I took a huge huge huge risk and put it all there that I needed to change my life one day at a time.

Thanks for being with me when I was at my worst.

Thanks for being with me as I became better.

Thanks for being with me now.

Just lots of thanks.

"Here is to walking into fear and failure." Feb 2, 2009

2010-01-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

There is a whole lotta snow outside. The roads are awful. And, I'm dog sitting the most wonderful American Bulldog on the planet. After catching up with some old friends, I'm enjoying a quiet night of tv and reflection. I am pretty overwhelmed with the end of my year of health coming up. As scary as deciding to lose weight was, its also a new kind of adventure.

I'm figuring out what to write for Jan 31st. I am figuring out what kind of post wraps up a year of changes and becomes a bridge to the present and the future.

But, first, I decided to reread the first post from Feb 2009- when I thought I was just going to have a sabbatical month of exercising while job searching. I was taken aback by the one of the post, especially the closing line, "Here is to walking into fear and failure."

I am taken aback at the lack of faith I had in myself. I am taken aback by the lack of faith I had in the rockstars in my life who had unwavering faith in me. I am taken aback by how I only saw in the future was the possibility of failure wrapped up fear.

Why didn't I write: "Here is to walking lunges and downward dogs"
"Here is to friends and family to support you through shrinking waistlines"
"Here is to life and being open to wonder"

But, I couldn't. A year ago today, I was bound to my sadness. I was bound to physical reminders of my perceived failures. A year ago today, I couldn't see how fucking incredible I was to give it a go.

To give life a go.
To listen to my gut check.
To know I needed to be whole before I could help make the world whole.

Without faith in myself, I was able to take a tentative first step.

This year, with faith in myself, I can go to the moon and back.

Here is to aiming for the stars and shooting past stretch goals.
Here is to love.
Here is the friends.
Here is to the world and all the is good and bad.
Here.

Living Anew

2010-01-29T10:02:00.000-08:00

It's weird now. It's like I have to live a whole new life now. Fine, I'm being slightly melodramatic. But, what I mean, is that, I'm on the other side of victory now.

I've done the impossible. I've lost a shit ton of weight in a healthy manner, with gaining muscle, eating a lot of food, and staying committed to my new lifestyle. This whole week, as I approach the year mark, I've feel like it's November 5th, 2008 all over again. I'll never forget waking up in Miami after winning the Presidential. It was part winning, but mostly knowing that George Bush and his policies were indeed a thing of the past.

And, now, it is like that. My personal George Bush is gone. It's off of me. It's been metabolized. I've conquered it. I've won.

So, now I've got to learn how to live in the body I know I am supposed to own. I have to own my new choices, my new outlook, and my new everything.

So, I have new challenges to embrace. But for right- I'm just going to be giddy and ecstatic and celebrate my victory over myself. I made it through hell and came out happy and smiley.

So, thank you for watching along. And, if anyone is inspired- money is tight for me right now- and I want to keep working out- so if you want to buy me a month of exercise at Lithe, I would be forever grateful.

Do I need to lose more weight? ( 80lbs lost so far)

2010-01-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here I am, almost a whole effing year into my journey of losing weight and exercising. I mean, I did it. I changed my life one step at a time. And, I am on top the world. Truly, I am.

But, here is the thing. In my head, the perfect me would weigh 140lbs. And, when I started, I thought I would only be happy at 140lbs. And, then slowly work towards 120 lbs. That was the perfect. The perfect I held wicked close to me.

But, here, with a year of Lithing, of writing, of crying, of hoping, and of being open to me growing and shrinking, I'm still about 25lbs over what I consider my perfect to be. According to diet websites and body calculators, I am considered over my ideal.

However, I don't feel overweight anymore. I don't wake up hating myself. I don't cringe when I put on jeans. I can look in the mirror. I can wear a little black dress and be happy dancing at a bar. ( Note to self- do not do double patron shots ever again). I can wear leggings. I can go boxing. I am me again.

A year into this process, and while I did not reach my "perfect" of losing 100 pounds, I am okay with it. I don't feel this panicky pressure to lose more weight. I don't feel this need to change my body in order to be happy, or to be loved.

I guess I don't need to lose more weight. I'll just keep eating well, exercising, and wearing fun clothes,. If I lose more weight, cool. If I don't, that's cool too.

Thoughts?

17 Days Away from a Year

2010-01-15T12:13:00.001-08:00

I am 17 days away from being a year into this whole being healthy journey. It's been a pretty rad year filled with a ton of personal growth and bodily shrinkage.

And, a lot has come this past week. I'm learning how to stay healthy even while other things aren't going so well. And, I've even managed to feel somewhat ok today.

So, here's to this time last year. When I couldn't find an inaugural ball gown that fit.

Here's to last year when I couldn't walk down the street without losing my breath.

Here's to last year when I couldn't fathom ever being able to be in control of my body.

Here's to decisions- here's to the decision I made last year to put my health front and center.

So, finally, here's to knowing that in not so fun times, you can change your life.

Got me the blahs...

2010-01-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

I got me a case of the blah's. I'm not like upset or miserable, but I am also not happy or thrilled. I had about two things, my safety nets, either fall through or get very much stalled. So, this has put in a incredibly hard spot, a spot I haven't be in for a very very long time. I hate being this stuck, and I never ever want to be this stuck again.

Since I can't go to Lithe for a bit, I've hard time motivating to exercise. And, I know I feel better when I exercise- its hard to be blah when endorphins are swirling in your body. I know I can do things like walk. I know I can do most of the exercises I've learned to do on my own. And, in fact, I have taken in pride in the past to do them on my own. But, now, right now, I'm just not feeling it.

So, I need to get me over these blahs. Any idea's?

When New Habits Become the Normal

2010-01-13T16:49:00.000-08:00

It's weird. Right now. It's weird. I'm wicked stressed out figuring out what 2010 is going to bring me.

In the past, the stressfulness of uncertainty would have brought to eating ice cream, pizza, doritos, or what ever was around. And, I'd want to eat even if I wasn't hungry.

Now, nearly a year into my new life, I don't want to eat just because I am stressed. And, its weird, cause part of my mind is like, "oh, I should do x", but the rest of me is like, no, just don't want it. It's a little weird getting used to how permanent this change has become.

It's kinda of cool to see that I've completely changed my relationship with food, and that just cause I'm vegging out in front of the TV, I don't need to eat mindlessly. I don't even need to eat, unless of course, I am hungry.

My normal is now healthy. That is perhaps even cooler than being able wear Calvin Klein Skinny Jeans.

Trudging Along

2010-01-11T15:41:00.000-08:00

Winter. Gosh, this winter is def living up to winter. It's cold. Even Florida is cold. I'm trying to remember that in this time of cold, the earth is reading itself for spring. This period of rest on the earth enables us to have a beautiful spring.

Now, that I'm done having perspective, I'm more or less trudging through at the moment. I know that in every winter an incredible spring comes. But, its hard, you know, to actually believe it when its so cold and gets dark so early.

I'm going to have to take a little break from my favorite workout. Money is tight, and hopefully, if a few things come through, I'll be back at it in a few weeks. In the meantime, I am going to look at gyms that give free week passes, and score some workouts that way.

On the more hopeful side, I realize that now, I can even kick back food habits when I am not at the top of my game. My grandmother made a cake and there was extra chocolate frosting. In the past, I could have eaten the entire container. Yesterday, I had a few spoonfuls, that was that. In my head, I like, wait, I want more. I am used to eating more. But, I didn't. It's just not who I am anymore. I am who I want to be, even when I am not exactly happy happy.

I guess that is one of the points of life. To stay healthy, even in less than ideal conditions.

No Good, Very Bad Day

2010-01-09T11:30:00.000-08:00

So, this is a no good very bad day. Disregard the fact that I was sick most the preceding week and overdosed on bad tv- NCIS, Criminal Minds, and a slew of Law and Orders.

I'm just in the middle of change, and I hate change. I really do. I hate uncertainty. And, I really hate set backs. Today, I got a huge set back. It feels like the air was knocked out of me.

But, 11+ months into this, I am not going to use food as a crutch, perhaps I am too nauseated to, or perhaps just don't have enough money to, but really, its because I know it won't solve anything.

Here's to a no good, very bad day ,and knowing that like the pithy line from Gone With the Wind and the musical Annie, there is something about tomorrow.

Finally, Can See "Too Thin"

2010-01-05T12:30:00.000-08:00

Oh, gosh, I am about to make a horrific confession- I am newly hooked on "Say Yes to the Dress". For my good friends, that is about as weird for me as getting weekly manicures, which I now do.

Anyways, now that I am sucked into the fake reality tv, perhaps I can get over my addiction. But, in the meantime, I can also admit I learned something from it--

There is a point where thin becomes too thin.

One of the brides, a southern belle, had lost 120 pounds, and as she modelled the form fitting dress, I couldn't get past the protuding shoulder blades, counting her veterbrae, and overall boneyness of her body.

And, then it hit me, eww, there is a point of being too thin.

I had never been able to see this before. Last year, I probably would have wanted to look like that, protruding shoulders and all.

But, now, yuck. I don't want to be too thin. I don't want to be too fat. I want to be just right ( err, left).

So thank you horribly Style TV for showing me to like myself a bit more, and to aim for what is right for my body.

Ringing in 2010

2010-01-01T10:14:00.000-08:00

So, here I am. I am blogging from a Bolt Bus somewhere on the NJ turnpike, actually exit 8A.

It is 2010. Thoughts that run through my head are wow- It's an election year again, it's census year, and mostly, this is the year I don't need to lose most of my body weight.

I don't have to make some lame resolution to lose weight. I mean, I still have weight to lose, to hit the goals I set eleven months ago But, its not like losing weight in the theoretical sense of starting a weight lose program. It's not about the crisis of weight loss anymore.

Not that it isn't scary. I mean I lost 75 pounds in 2009... And, I am 30 days away from hitting the year mark of starting my journey to a new body thingy.

I am not sure what 2010 will bring me. I am open to wonder. I am open to happiness.

I just want to laugh with a side of exercise.

I'm going to write once a day to sum of the year of losing weight and finding my new body and health. So, check in often for my witty comments, frustrated moments, and other insights.

I love you all and wish you a happy new year!

Every Muscle Forward

2009-12-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

Wow. So, now I am two classes into Lithe, and I can feel every single muscle in my body like never before. I never realize I had inner thing muscles, but now, they are talking to me. And, my back muscles, I think they are going on strike, and let's not even go to my biceps. They are wicked mad at me.
But, damn, did I miss Lithe.
I missed the focus it gave me.
I missed spending an hour or two working out the kinks in my body in a positive manner.
I missed the high I got from working out.
( I didn't miss sumo or see saw- but its okay to have a few moments of challenge.)

I loved loved loved my time time away from Philly. But, now, while I am back into the what next space, I am back into workout mode.

But, it's different.

I am not on sabbatical anymore. I am not in the space of embracing down time and healing time. While healing is always a work in progress, and while I will always be learning and becoming a better person, I am out there in the real world now. I know what I love to do, and I have the confidence to go out there and fight for it.

But for now, while I find the next place to land, I'll pretend that my life is full of working out and drinking coffee across Philadelphia. I'll embrace hours of working out for the sake of working out, and if I lose weight and stay on track with my progress to goals, that is cool. If I don't lose weight, then that's cool, too. It's less about body size or skinny jeans ( I now wear a size 10 Calvin Klein skinny jean!!!!) but rather being positive and smiling and embracing things like happy monday's and happy hard times.

I'll keep on writing until my next project, and let's see where this goes.

And, I'm Back

2009-12-16T13:09:00.001-08:00

Wow. I'm back. And, I am running to my first Lithe class.

Any welcome back advice?

The Good-Bye Bra

2009-09-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

So, I'm leaving on a big orange pumpkin to go up north for a few months. While I am going to miss my fam, friends, and Lithe with all my heart, I do have a special gift to keep close to me while I am gone.

One thing about losing weight and changing your body- its is expensive. Not just the working out. Not just the healthy organic food. Not just the whole sabbatical of taking time off working. But-- the clothes. Nothing fits me anymore and I'm even smaller than my old small clothes.

And, I didn't realize that my old bra's weren't quite cutting it anymore and making me look more like 50 than 30. And, what are good friends if not the type to "What Not to Wear" style ambush you and pull you into the Macy's intimate wear section and demand ( nicely) that I must get a bra that gives me the support I need to look my best.

So, yesterday, Kilian and Michele took me to get my girls resized and to get stocked up with a few new bras. It's was pretty hilarious as we perused the aisles and then I tried on and modeled each one- getting either oohs or boo's.

In the end, I was going to buy one, and but then my friends chipped in and got me the second one. And, I laughed and said, "Oh, it's a goodbye bra", and now my friends are very close to my where ever I go!

This time has been amazing. Besides food. Besides exercise. Besides friends. Besides family. Besides gardening. I've learned to always follow my gut and that gut instinct will bring me everywhere I need. And, if I'm lucky, I'll get a goodbye bra from the best friends/ more like siblings that any gal could ask for.

I'm not sure how much I'll be posting in the coming months. I'll just follow my gut.

And forward I go

2009-09-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

And, forward I go into this journey. So, I spent my first week without being able to Lithe ( I hope to catch a class this week).

I found a few positive things from it. First, my body needed rest. I remembered that even professional athletes have a season of rest,and since Feb I've been in go go go mode. Some days, I only had 12 hours between workouts. My muscles and joints feel happy and flexible.

I was still able to walk and get exercise in other methods. I spent a few hours pulling weeds and took walks. And, I noticed my huger responded accordingly. I was less hungry then when I am burning an extra 1,000 calories a day, and when I got a little restless from not working out, I didn't run to the fridge. I ran to my running shoes and went for a walk.

I'm glad to know that changes to my life have been really inside me and how I interact with myself and the world. I think that is what it means to be lithestrong, to be healthy, and to be happy.

But, I can't wait to be back Lithe.

When it rains...It Monsoons

2009-09-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

When it rains sometimes, it really rains. Like a monsoon. Like a hurricane. Like all that and a bag of chips.

I'm from a working class family- so I excel at getting by with hardly any money. And, since I am progressive, I don't need fancy labels to be happy. Which is one of the ways I've managed to keep my head above water this year while I've been focusing on getting my health back on track and refocusing my life around sustainibilty and away from panic from onecrisis to another.

But, then all of a sudden, I am in the middle of a storm. I go from walking a tight rope on money, to being flat on the ground with the harness breaking off midair.

I'll find a way to bounce through this, I always do. But in the mean time, I probably can't Lithe for another week or two, or buy some fall clothes that fit, or help my mom. And, its the last part that kills me. I like to solve problems and fix things. And, I can't right now.

I made a decision this year to put health before finances. I stand behind that decision. I stand behind the decision to not take campaign jobs that would have had me working 80 hours week. And, I know I just can't quit on my health because I entering into a money crisis. But, it is scary.

Here's to handling what life throws at you.

Setting Sail

2009-09-09T08:51:00.001-07:00

So, yesterday was a sad day. Perhaps, I was just filled with a ton of emotions from waking up away from the best group of friends in the world. Or perhaps, it was learning other things.

One thing I learned this weekend, and I think it applies to a lot of life, that it is so much better to work with others and get your friends involed.

Every year, I usually do a crazy fireworks show, with one friend helping. This year, I couldn't really afford to spend a lot of money, or really any money, on fireworks. So, I didn't buy any. Sad!!!

But, it turned out way better. My partner in crime for fireworks and I plotted, and we decided to built a little boat and then launch into the lake at night on fire. In my usual somewhat anxious way, at first I was insistent that it be a secret- a surprize.

But, my partner in crime needed some assistance and we do have four boat builders in the crowd, and then after being kind of stubborn, I realized that it wasn't the surprize that matter--- it was the fun of watching people getting involved.

And, less than 24 hours later, after building boat, sealing it wax, adding ballasts, drilling holes for sparklers, creating a mast, and loading it with kindling, wood, and paper, our ship- the S.S. FraggleRock set sail for the first and only mission.

And, omg, watching it float and burn was phenomenal, so so so phenomenal.

I realized that as long as there are friends who can build and destroy boats, all is right in the word.

And, in that moment, I realized that I didn't need to dwell on the things that are missing from life,or the perfections not met, everything is right there.

Candid Pictures

2009-09-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

I still can't look at pictures of myself that are candids. Ones where I am not posing perfectly and control the angle of the shot or the lighting or the tone of my abdominal muscles.

Its in these pictures that I see how much weight I let my body gain. I let my body gain so much weight that even losing 70 pounds still leaves my body larger than normal.

I know I shouldn't be upset. And, I know this contradicts my post where I was really upset that I was told to keep losing weight ( without offering the positive reiniforcement to keep on going). But again, massive weight gain and massive weight loss isn't rational. It isn't normal. It is awful on every level. And, I am letting you into this awfulness.

I pray ( even if you are an Obama hating, George W Bush voting, Sarah Palin loving right winger) that you never gain weight. That you are never faced with losing at least 100 pounds to be normal. I wouldn't wish this on the most evil person in the world.

I wouldn't wish that you miss out on the normal parts of life.

I wouldn't wish that you knew the alienation of obesity.

I wouldn't wish any of this on you.

I know I am strong to lose it and have been going well. But some days, a photo can stop you dead in your tracks.

And, in the past, I just would have started to cry and given up.

But, I am stronger.

And, at my core I am not a quiter.

I'm gonna keep on going so that in the future, there can't ever be bad candids.

Some times I wonder...

2009-09-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

Where this project will really lead

and if I'll be able to accept the results.

What not to say

2009-09-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

There is a post I want to write. But I have a self-imposed rule- I don't talk about my interactions with other people, especially if it could show them in a negative or complicated light.

But, I am struggling tonight. I am struggling with how some people can either be insensitive or perhaps cruel.

So, I'll just say this, if you know someone who is dieting- don't tell them "to keep losing weight..." without a context of "wow, so have a goal", or "wow, you've worked so hard this year." Don't just tell someone to keep losing weight, especially if this is thinnest they've been since they were 21. Especially, if even at this weight number, the body circumference is smaller because of wicked hard working out. Cause that comment, does nothing to keep one on the path to healthy living and healthy body relationship. Or, to enable someone to trust the positive comments in life.

It's a fine and complicated line. And, I am so lucky that many of my friends are walking that line with me and are not afraid of the messy aspects of both weight loss and regaining my real body. So, thank you. Thank you for telling me to up my calories. Thank you for telling me not to worry about a number. Thank you for liking and loving me even when I didn't like or love my body. Thanks for walking this journey with me before I know I was walking a journey.

Back Bridge

2009-09-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

I forgot to write--

on Monday, I was able to do a full back bridge for the first time since middle school.

I hope to be able to do a whole back bend into a back bridge by Halloween!!!!

Yea for my new strength and flexibility!

Hips Don't Lie

2009-09-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Blah. I hit one of those moments that comes with working out a lot. My joints , while I am thankful that they move and hold me up, are a lot older than my chronilogical age. As it was explained to me when I was kid, my thigh leaves my hips at a weird angle, so my knees are at weird angel, and thus comes the world of osteoarthritis and extra mobility ( not to be confused with being flexible). I am thankful that I do not have Rheumatoid arthritis ( that is when your body attacks your joints and they disintergrate over time).

Suffice it to say, some days are harder than others. There are days when I can feel my hips moving around and can hear the tendons moving over the bones. And, there are days when other can hear my hips,too. And, steps kinda suck on my knees.

I usually don't complain. I know how to modify, and if I can't do every move in stiletto or sprint up the stairs, I am okay with that. But, yesterday, for the first time, my hip actually started to burn.

For a few minutes during leg work, my left hip was on fire. It wasn't painful enough to stop but I decided that I need to give my hip a little bit of rest. So, I cancelled my 7am class so I would have 24 hours ( give or take an hour) before my next class.

For what ever reason, the forward and backward motion work for hips- but side and circles seems to not be friends with my hips.

Yet, I want to build full range of motion, strength, and hip flexibility so I am going to keep working on it. I'm going to research what stretches I should do daily to improve my hip, and if there is anything else I should do.

As Summer fades...

2009-08-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

As summer fades into fall, I can't help to think about this journey I've been on. For about a year before I began this work on my body, my gut was telling me I needed to take of myself. But, I had a mission to finish even if I was only at 50%, I couldn't stop at that point. It wasn't time to exhale yet.
And, when it became time, despite a little bit of fear and confusion, I followed my gut back to Philadelphia. I knew this was my moment. I knew I had to get my ducks in my row and if not now, when?
This weekend, my gut revved up again. My gut is telling me it is time to get back in the fight again full time. And, yes, that is scary, too. I throw myself into projects a 150% and will I remember everything I've learned? Will I remember how much I need to work out every day? Will I remember to cook to lentils and quinoa and not run to Panera?

Ballet...

2009-08-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

One thing I love about Lithe ( yes, my friends, I know you are at the point of rolling your eyes every time I mention the greatness of Lithe- but it really is great) is the moves based on ballet but with hipper names.

I used to take Ballet and Tap as a youngster but didn't love it. Part of that was because I had yet to be diagnosed arthritis in my knees and hips, so I couldn't do a lot of mat work and stuff like that.

Now, I am really loving a lot of the leg work. When I started Lithing, I couldn't even lift my leg off the ground-- now I can and do jumps and other fun things. So, I am thinking of taking an intro to Ballet class once or twice a week. I like the amount of discipline Ballet requires and the focus on posture and technique. And, I like that Ballet shapes the muscles and dance is a great form of expression that doesn't use words and sometimes it nice to not have words.

I figure between Lithe, Ballet, and learning to run- I'll have a full athletic plates and that is how I like it. ( Plus, I can get super cute clothes for Ballet class - think leg warmers and tights and Ballet shoes!!!)

On Thankfulness- People, Places, Body

2009-08-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

One thing I have learned this year or really come to appreciate is being thankful. I am thankful for the people in my life, the geography of my life, and even my body ( even though as times we have a rough relationship!)

For people, I am thankful that when I started to quietly mention- umm, so I don't quite have post inauguration job plans and well, umm, I am kinda miserable right now, so I am going to get the hell out of DC and spend a month in Philadelphia doing pilaties and yoga ( I know Lithe Method isn't those things but you get the gist), and what the hell, I'll blog about it too---- that no one laughed ( perhaps had a quizzical look, but no laughing). In fact, as my writing and working out project emerged, I found that I really do have the best people in the world in my life. And, as one month turned into two, into three, and now starting month seven, I think every pound I've lost in fat has been replaced with the spirit of community and friendship. I'd call people out on here but not everyone wants to be written about in blog ( shocking, I know) but you know who you are- from emails, to gchats, to weekly pilate classes, to picking kohlrabi, to days at the beach, I am indebted!

As for geography, I am thankful because I have many places where I feel at home. I am home in Philadelphia. I am at home in New Jersey. I am at home in most of the boroughs of NYC. I am at home in Utica. I am at home on Cayuga Lake. I am at home in Washington, DC. I am at home in Miami. I am at home, I've realized, when I am around friends and family. I have an ability to bring home with me, and perhaps that is why I am so hypermobile. While I may not own any property and my friends write my addresses in pencil on sticky notes in their address books, I am at always at home. Though, I hope by December to try out permanence, but that might not be for me.

And for my body. Okay, so I have had this massive love hate ( probably more hate) with my body. The easy way out is to blame Calvin Klein for Kate Moss. After all, her super skinny body was the standard of beauty in the 90's. It's not like Lizzie the new Glamour it girl was put forth as real beauty. But, I am not one for the easy way out once I get past my great internal bs'ing myself skills. So fine, I've hated by body a lot ( mostly thanks to bad lighting in The Gap dressing rooms and having big thighs in sixth grade). And, well, I am the one who decided to hate my body not other people. So, I am the one who needs to unlearn hating and learn liking and loving my body. I didn't really plan on that for this year. I just wanted to get skinny. And, then a few days ago it hit me, oh, I can get down to 120 pounds and still not like my body. And that would be lame. So very lame. And, why do I have to wait to until I am 120 pounds to like my body. So, I decided I would start with being thankful for my body. I am thankful that my body is getting stronger. I am thankful for push ups, downward dog, triangle, and running. I am thankful for being able to metabolize fat quickly. I am thankful for a strong heart and a tough pair of lungs. I am thankful for high kicks and swivels. I am thankful for shoulders, biceps, and triceps. I think starting at a place thankfulness will get me to liking and loving.
So thankfulness. Yeah, its important. And not just in November.

Weight Up- What evs

2009-08-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

So today I hopped on the scale for my weekly weigh-in. And, for some reason I up a bit on the scale. And, while I was annoyed, I wasn't upset, either. Not like how I was upset way back in Feb. First of all, I know the math. I know it is impossible for it to be fat storage. I know that it is probably just extra fluid in my body, and next week it will be okay.

That said, I am going to make sure that I stay super on track ( no crazy parties or trips this week which makes that easier).

And, just to make it clear- I am so grateful beyond words for my friends for their support in the process. Both my friends who are holding my hand ( err blog) on this journey, and my friends working for health care reform so that everyone gets access to a healthy start or jump start.

And, on health care, I would be remiss if I didn't mention how sad I am today that Sen. Kennedy passed away. Not only was he a tireless advocate for health care reform, he was of only 23 Senators to vote against the Iraq War. When so many Democrats did not have the guts to stand with principle, he led the way. May we all be as strong in the face the challenges as Sen. Kennedy.

Standards. Measures.

2009-08-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

One thing with weight loss and re learning your body is that there are no standards. There is no - this is fat, this is not fat. It is mostly grey area, and each view is different.

It is hard cause I saw a bunch of photos of myself from my friends wedding a few weeks ago, and I thought I looked huge even though everyone said I looked great. I want to trust them but I also know that when I weighed my heaviest everyone said I looked good. And, to me, both can't be true.

I wish there were real numbers I could use.

Something real that would let me know for once- fat or thin

Public Bathing

2009-08-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday in celebration of a friends birthday ( and a slight change of plans thanks to Hurricane Bill- no beach), I ended up spending the afternoon at a Russian/Turkish Spa on the Philadelphia/Bucks County border.

The spa was awesome. Lots of steam rooms, dry heat rooms, hot tubs, and a regular pool. Oh, and super cold showers and an ice cold dipping pool. My skin is wicked soft right now and I feel very detoxified.

But, one thing was a challenge ( not that intense) was being my bathing suit in public for a few hours. For starters, the suit isn't new so its not meant for my current body. And, two, I am yet comfortable enough with my body for public displays of thighs and legs. My arms yeah- I'm fine with, but not the rest.

I had to keep focused on having fun and enjoying time with my amazing friends. And, I think I did a good job of it. But, it's a reminder, that reshaping my body is long process that continues even after the weight is lost.

A Good Week..

2009-08-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Been a good week here...

Hit 70 pounds.

Spent a day on the beach.

Spent an evening celebrating my friends's bachlorette's party.

Wrote about tomato blight on my friends farm-

And, now preparing to celebrate my friends's 30th birthday.

No great posts today. Just a happy week round up.

On Losing 70 pounds in the first 200 days

2009-08-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. So, today, if you include the the few pounds of weight I gained during the first third of this weight loss ( er, healthy life adventure), I have now lost seventy frickin' pounds.

I don't know what is so special about 70 pounds. I mean, it is just a number. But, it is a number a I like. It means I am officially 70% to my goal weight number one.

In the numbers-

I started this project 200 days ago.

On average, I've lost 1/3lb per day. Which amounts to a combination of burning more and eating less calories than energy I'm expending to a daily deficit of: 1,225 calories.

I have walked nearly 500 miles in my daily activities around Philly and other cities I've visited.

I have done thousands of crunches, lunges, bicep curls, and learned to bounce pretty high on a trampoline.

I have learned to eat when I am hungry not because of marketing, sadness, or out of social obligation.

I have learned to enjoy what and when I eat. I eat real food- bring on whole yogurt, raw whole milk, gelato, Yogorino, and locally raised, free range, grass fed lamb. If the packaging says non-fat, low fat, or other "healthy" women-centric Madison avenue marketing, I say, "no thank you."

I have learned to smile more. I think smiling and generally being happy makes you look at least twenty pounds thinner.

I have cut biceps. I am quite proud of my arms.

I have learned that friends and family are crucial be healthy and happy. And, I am in debt to them for every pound I've lost many times over.

I value that I was able to lose weight without having my stomach or intestines slicked and diced.

I want to thank my skin for not sagging and for weight training letting my body mold itself back together pretty well.

I am excited about the final thirty. But, am so very grateful for the first 2/3 of my journey being over!

Up and At 'Em

2009-08-18T05:38:00.001-07:00

So, last week, I wrote about how 7:09am rolled around and I woke up to realize that I had over slept for my hotstepper class.

Luckily, today, I woke up at 6:15 am, grabbed a bowled of ceral for the road, and make it to SEPTA in time to get to class.

It's pretty to cool to look at the clock right now- 8:39am and know that I've already did this run/walk/ plus extra fun movements class and showered and drank coffee.

I def feel ready to conquer the day and it reminds that 8am post workout feels way better than sleeping in to 9am.

Oh, and while I am the worlds slowest runner ( I think I pace off the tortise), my lungs no longer catch on fire and burn up during hotsptepper. Victory!

Rest Day... A little Secret

2009-08-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

About a month or two ago, I pretty much quit going to class on Sundays. It wasn't a conscious decision, rather an result of going to play in my garden in NJ. On my "rest" day, I've enjoyed hours pulling weeds, taking walks, planting seeds, and harvesting veggies. I'm active but not my normal level.

I've learned to look forward to my first workout post rest day. My muscles are fresh, my energy is high, and my lungs are craving a lot of air.

My rest day allows me to heal from my previous week of nine classes ( 8 at Lithe, and a friends pilates class), and to prepare for the next week.

And, a day outside keeps me looking tan!

I support rest days and you should too!

Second Wind and Musing

2009-08-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, after a few weeks of slugging through ( maybe it was that July heat wave and all the travel to and fro), I think I have my second wind. I am nearly 2/3 to my first goal, and even with that, I know that that goal number two is a lot more fluid than goal number one.

I am trying to keep in perspective that I am way into the realms of a standard deviation of a standard deviation when it comes to weight loss. I am the one right now who throws the curve off for the whole class. I'm not gonna lie, I like that I have lost way more weight than is "normal" and a way faster rate.

So, I just need to keep doing what I am doing. And, that means getting my second wind, eating my healthy foods, walking around Philly, Lithing, and just being happy.

I also think that the medical folks who work on weight loss and obesity need to rethink some of what they preach. They are all about "Oh, be happy with a 10% reduction in weight". But, c'mon, if you start out weighing 240 pounds, and you loose 24 pounds, you still weigh 216 pounds. And, unless you are 6'2", that isn't really a happy weight. I think the medical community needs to understand the urgency of weight loss and figure out ways to help it come off quick ( without surgery or liquid diets) and then have a comprehensive weight maintenance program, perhaps for a year or two post hitting goal weight. Maybe even re frame the initial goal. Instead of the goal being I want to weigh 140 pounds, the goal should be I want to hit and maintain 140 pounds for the next 5 years.

I think, also, a lot of times the medical community doesn't understand the "distress" that a lot of people who are obese feels. I know I saw medical doctors who underestimated how I left when my weight was holding steady at a super high point. And, yes, while I wanted to be able to blame it on my thyroid, the doctor could have used that for a compassionate conversation on lifestyle change. Instead, I was just dismissed.

Ideally, I love to see someone in medical community take note that a radical shift into a high exercise based lifestyle coupled with healthy eating can lead to a 25% reduction in weight in less than 6 months. And, the cost was much less then bariatric surgery. I do think that other obese and overweight gals and guys could take what I have done and get similar results. It's not rocket science- its just exercising a hour a day, walking at least an hour a day, and eating healthy.

And, I still get to eat Ben and Jerry's or Capogiro whenever I want.

4 More Pounds

2009-08-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well, my body is back to acting like the body I've come to love. I ended up losing four pounds this week- and that is with eating a ton of Indian food over the course of a three day wedding, and consuming NYC street food. I'm not gonna lie- I like 4 pound weight loss weeks better than one pound weight loss weeks.
I've also learned that I can tell when I am going to have a big weight loss week. I get this taste in my mouth, and now that I think of it, it reminds me the after taste of raw milk ( that's milk that is fresh from the cow without being pasteurized). I've had this taste in my mouth since the wedding, and I walked onto scale pretty confidently. If anyone knows what the funny taste means, let me know.
And, I've also learned to listen to my body this week. I had an incredible workout this morning but as I walked to my pm class, the heat really got to me. I was a little dizzy and just felt super hot and flushed. So as much as I hated to late cancel for class, I knew there was something about my body that wasn't able to do a strenuous workout. I have to listen to my body, and I have to be okay with that.
I'll be back in class tomorrow, and I'll keep on keeping on.
I'll appreciate this four pound weight loss week, and I'll try to embrace a one pound week if I'm faced with that again.

Another Take on Fat Acceptance

2009-08-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

So, the other day, I saw on Twitter that Harriet Brown, a FA person and media scholar at Syracuse U, was going to be on Radio Times, a Philly public radio show. Of course, me being me, I called into the show and was able to share my story of losing weight and being happy and ask why all the FA blogs are angry and snarky. Anyways, a long story short, it got me thinking more about the whole fat acceptance movement. And, I have some distance because according to BMI ( even though it has flaw) and reinforced my waist size, I am not longer obese or morbidly obese. I am just overweight now. And, judging my the solid nature of my quads, and that you can even see my triceps now, I bet I have lower body fat percentage for my weight that is normally found- which would be make me less overweight. Ok, that was a lot of words to say, that since I am not as fat as I was before, I can think about this topic in a different angle.
See, I get social movements. They make sense to me in the way that E=MC2 makes sense to a physics person. I understand the whole issue+anger+hope=action equation. I've used it so many times that I go into autopilot organizing mode trying to solve problems and work with people so that they can solve their own problems.
But, instead of being a complete social movement, the FA movement is just part of the equation. It is only the issue+anger. There is no hope. There is no action. Its people who are devestatingly hurt over the abuse they suffer at the hand of a society stuck on size 00 bodies while being pushed double big mac sandwiches. I mean, its a lose lose scenario.
And, that is why I could never be a part of the FA movement. I lived that life- that life of issue+anger. I mean, that was the entirety of the Bush years. We were powerless with weak opposition in Congress, so we couldn't get bills passed or vetos overridden. No one held town halls so we could oppose the Iraq War. But, in that anger, we didn't find solutions. It wasn't until there was something affirmatively to organize FOR instead of AGAINST ( ahem, 2004 message points), that were able to make some real strides.
I think there is real harm out there towards people who can't go shopping at the Gap or JCrew. There is real discrimination against fat people. IT is wrong, hands down. And, yes, anger can be a mobilizing tool- it needs to be an anger that is directionally outwards, instead of directionally inwards. But, there needs to be hope points and an action plan.
ANGER: We should be angry about food systems that make McDonald's cheaper then healthier foods. We should be angry at an economy that makes us work so many hours to stay afloat that we only have time for fast foods. We should be angry about planned communities that take away sidewalks. We should be angry about the lack of recess. We should be angry about work place discrimination.
HOPE: We can redesign our world. We can work to change how food is done. We can fight for 40 hour/week living wages jobs. We can work with zoning committees for sidewalks and sustainable communities. We can work to change school policies. We can work to ban workplace discrimination on waist size ( and yes, the progressive world needs this too).
ACTION: We organize for healthy food. We organize to support EFCA. We organize for green design. We organize for inclusion. We create campaigns with discrete goals.

And, we get healthy. I believe that extreme obesity is all of our faults. We stood by and let food policy support corn and potatoes. We stood silent as cookie cutter communities replaced our farm land. We stood silent as the snack size of chip bag doubled. We stood by and let health care reform fail in 1994( we can change that now!). And, in our lives, we failed to support the person who was gaining weight, and help them solve what ever problems were happening in their life. We shouldn't all be a size 00 or even close to that, but we can all help our loved ones be active and healthy.

So, let's start a real movement with actionable goals, hope to make change, and with productive anger.

6am Comes Early

2009-08-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Damn. 6am came so early this morning that I slept through my alarm and woke up at 7am. Sadly, that meant I missed one of my favorite classes- Hotstepper.

Since I live so far into to West Philly, it takes me about a half hour to get to Rittenhouse on Septa or an hour walking. I prefer the walking but for a 7am class, I'd have to leave home around 5:45am to build in coffee time.

I def felt annoyed that I overslept. I tried not to think about how much better I'd feel if I would have made it up for class. But, I have another class at 5pm today, and am getting ready to walk to center city for some good coffee shop time.

I guess I just have to chalk it up to oversleeping happens, and just roll with it.

Breathing

2009-08-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I've written on this before, but you know, its so important it worth the repeat.

I love breathing.

Breathing is the one the constants in life.

And, now, I can breathe so much better, even in this humidity.

In class, I can breathe.

Walking I can breathe.

Running I can breathe.

And, while I am annoyed the weight loss is becoming more like the tortoise
instead of the hare, I can still breathe better every day.

Here's the breathe of life!

Fresh Mint, Pomegranate and Lamb

2009-08-11T11:14:00.001-07:00

Thanks to a old organizing buddy, I've been asked to post some healthy recipes every once in a while.

I first came across the idea of mixing these items a few years ago, so I am not sure who to credit- but I've made it my own, as well.

Fresh Mint, Pomegranate, and Lamb

4 Humanely Raised, Grass fed, local lamb chops
Handful of Fresh Organic Mint Sprigs
1 Pomegranate ( with seeds put into a bowl)
Handful of Fresh Cilantro
1/8 c of Fresh Ginger chopped
1 garlic clove chopped
Sea Salt
Olive Oil
In a saute pan, pour 1 tablespoon of olive oil and heat over medium heat. Add garlic and ginger- brown. m
In the meantime, soak the lamb in the pomengrate seeds and juice along with the chopped mint and cilantro.
When the garlic and ginger are browned, add the lamb to the saute pan. Watch the lamb closely and add about three table spoons of the pomegranate juice and seeds.
Flip lamb over to other side after four minute. Cook for another four minutes. Then, keep on stove until it is your prefered level done.

Serve topped with chopped mint and cilantro. Add your fav side dishes.

Displaced Person

2009-08-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

For me, this whole being the middle of fat and thin has gotten me to think about what it meant to be fat. I keep trying to find the right work to describe those years, and the right concepts so people can understand. And, finally, walking around NYC I began to understand what it was like to be fat.
I am an urbanist. I feel at home in cities- big and small. I feel at peace standing line for a metro ticket. I feel at home navigating busy streets, annoying tourists, and tasting all that cities have to offer. I feel at home in both Portlands, Boston, NYC, Philly, Miami, Raliegh, DC, Baltimore, Vegas, Chicago, Louisville, Cleveland, Columbus, and even Pittsburgh. I always feel a sense of calm and hope.
Yet, in my own body, I never felt home while I fat.
So, in essence, I can feel at home in all these strange cities, but throughout every day as my weight crept up, I never felt like I was me.

Everyday, I put clothes onto a body that I didn't know.
Everyday, I looked into a mirror at a face I didn't know.
Everyday, I yearned to be me again.

And, the longer I was, as I call it- a displaced person living in another person's body, the farther away from me I felt. And, the more I realized that other people begin to just see me as this new me. As this fat me. To them, this is who I was, and that made me feel all the worse, cause it wasn't me.

It was a struggle to find my way back to me. And, I still don't what me is. I don't what my weight should be. I don't know what size clothes I am supposed to wear. I don't know what size waist is mine or what size hips. That is daunting- I have to get to know myself again and then be able to make a decision on what is good, what is bad, and what is me.

I like that I am getting closer to being home in my own body. I look forward when people see me as me, and not as someone who has just lost weight. I hope people forget that I was ever fat.

Heading home...

NYC- Picture Time

2009-08-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

My BB doesn't take the best self pictures... here is an attempt.

I'll add a few more tonight after the garba when someone else can take my pic.

Pondering 40 more weeks to meet goal

2009-08-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

So, for the second time in a row, I' ve only lost one pounds, well technically it was 1.6 pounds. While this doesn't meet the definition of a plateau, if it were a graph it would be a lower slope then before. I am happier with 3-4 pounds per week loss. I like winning. I like exceeding expectations. That is who I am.

So if I go at this effing slow rate of 1 pound per week, it will take me 40 weeks to meet my goal number 1 of 140 pounds. It would be another 20 weeks until I would hit my final goal of 120 pounds.

40 weeks is the length of a pregnancy.

40 weeks is 12 weeks shy of a year.

40 weeks would make the journey end after the year anniversary of it beginning.

40 is a magical number- you know- Moses was in the desert for 40 years, Jesus was in the desert for 40 days , and I'm sure 40 is repeated in other places.

I know I have choices in this. I know I have in power in this. I can get pissed and quit. But that wold be super lame. And you could call me out on it. I can be all smiley and happy- but I am not and even though I work in politics, I suck at being fake.

I don't know how to be. And, that is part of learning. That part of the process.

I'm embracing being overwhelmed by the math.

I might add other metrics. So, if I can make it to a size 6 before I make it 140lbs, I'll be okay with that. Cause then that would mean a 4 could be in my future.

So, stay with me as I navigate this long freaking journey. And, instead of faking it till I make it, I'll just work on making it.

Place Between Fat and Thin

2009-08-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

It seems I've gotten this passport to visit a very place. It's the place between fat and thin- this is land where I am not ( or at least I think someday) I am no longer this huge person. But, I'm also still not living in the body I know is mine. It's this point of no return- where I can only go forward, but it's this frustrating place because I've worked so hard and I hate, hate , hate that I still have a long journey.

In this place, I am too little for "plus" clothes, but still wearing number sizes that are to high for me. Still realizing that according to women's sizing, I am still X-Large.

I wish I could talk to my metabolism. I wish I could tell it to burn 140,000 calories of fat in 36 hours. I wish I could click my heels together three times and say "There is No Place Like Thin." "There is no place like thin." "There is no place like thin."

And, then poof, I'd be at my ideal weigh. I'd be able to take up and be me.

Instead, I wake up knowing I can't quit. I wake up knowing I still have fat here, fat there, and fat all around. I wake up wondering if I am really as small as I feel or perhaps larger than I feel. OR am I smaller then a I feel?

But, I have to live while I am in the space between Fat and Thin. I have to be able to smile. I have to be able to laugh.

I have to dance at Reshma's wedding without feeling like I am in the space between Fat and Thin.

I have to look at people I haven't seen since I was fully in the land of Fat and not assume that they still think I am in the land of Fat.

And, I am about to see a ton of people from my time in the land of Fat. I am slightly sick to my stomach over it. About 140,000 calories too early for this.

But, I am going to smile and dance.

And, write and post pics. So, check back often during the next five days!

Bad Habits Die Hard

2009-08-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

So, I've been super positive and forward looking on this blog, mostly, since Feburary. I mean, I think the endorphins from exercising is part of it, and just a choice to be positive.

But, now I am sort of hitting a wall. Partly, I am sure that is from the reality that losing weight is hard on your body. I work out a lot. I walk a lot. And, I didn't have the best skeletal/joint system before I gained weight ( yeah arthritis since I was 8 years old). And, I try to eat healthy.

I think, though, the hardest part is that bad habits die hard. And, for me, the biggest bad habit I have is giving up on myself. It's like those little inseccurities I have can creep on up on me and then pow- I feel like I have not accomplished anything.

When I get to that point- that my other bad habits can come into play. Like night eating. Like ice cream. Like lots of bread. Like not being healthy.

For some reason, writing this post reminds me a question my mentor from college a long time asked me in reference to a upcoming antiglobalization protest:
Do you hate Nike or do you love the workers abused by Nike in sweatshops? My life changed at that moment because I knew that I loved the people who were oppressed by CEO Phil Knight's global sweatshop operation ( yep, Nike shoes come with sweat included). I knew that I wanted to frame my work from a place of solidarity and love for workers then just hating on Nike. Granted, the whole debacle of the Bush years tested my limits and I must admit I did spend a lot of time hating Bush which did dilute my ability to love the people Bush oppressed. Anyways, enough political writing.

The point, the point is how you frame battle or a conflict. You can frame it from a place of hatred or a place love. And, I think they are mutually exclusive if we are perfect but we probably are somewhere in between at any given moment.

And, tying this back to bad habits and stress and fear of failure and battling my body to get my waist line back-

If I were my mentor, I'd ask myself:

Is it that you hate the fat cells in your body or that you love yourself? And, I would tell myself to really know the answer to that question and then if you choose love tattoo it on you and burn the word into your consciousness.

And, then, if you really do love yourself, you can get back to loving all those oppressed people and kicking more ass for social justice. And ,those bad habits will be as far away as the Bush presidency.

Things I've Learned from my veggies

2009-08-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

I've learned over the past few months from my veggies and fruits growing in my garden. And, on days like today, where I am hitting a mental plateau in my energy for this project, I am taking the time to refocus on my thoughts on the positive.

I've learned from my garden that you can plant the same seeds in the same soil and get different results.

I've learned thats its incredible to put seeds in dirt and then be able to saute the results.

I've learned that you can become attached to something like baby watermelon and be excited to watch it grow.

I've learned that sometimes the world doesn't cooperate and a few too many rainfalls means that your squash plants begin to rot.

I've learned that I love the bright yellow of cucumber blossoms.

I've learned that nothing smells better than tomato plants.

I've learned that I love pulling weeds.

I've learned that if you are diligent about harvesting beans you reap a larger harvest.

I've learned that if you are having a day of stress, there is nothing better then spending a few hours taking care of your watermelon plants.

20lbs of 04 Weight Left

2009-08-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to think myself through this whole weight loss on many levels. One thing I did a while back, I name the weigh intervals based upon where/years that I gained those pounds. I had my 08 campaign weight, I had my 06 campaign weight, my 04 campaign weight, and the my post college sports weight.

So, the 08 campaign weight has come and gone. That was a cool weight gain, in that, at least those extra pounds came from creating something good and amazing. But, now, I am into the Bush weight gain. And, these pounds, these pounds came from failure. We as a Democratic party completely failed in our mission to defeat Bush in 2004. We messaged wrong. We spent wrong. We were just wrong a lot. And, our country and the world suffered an additional four years because of our collective failure.

I have give or take about 20 pounds of the Bush weight gain left to get rid. I am trying to think about what that means to me. If perhaps I by letting go of the weight, maybe I can let go of the guilt, the guilt that we didn't do everything we could. The guilt that we stood by 2000 and let the leaders of our party give up. And, with out these pounds being on me, I can truly look forward.

And, then, I can after the final 20...

Here's to the next 20.

Soreness

2009-07-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sore tonight.

If this is my final weight...

2009-07-29T19:54:00.001-07:00

One thing that has been a struggle with this whole dieting process, and it is a process, a process of deciding to change my life, a process of exercising, a process of eating, in other words, a whole lotta process.

I've done okay. I've lost 60 pounds in five and a half months, and I've dropped numerous dress/pants sizes, lost a chin or two, and can even run now.

But, this week, I only lost a pound. And, that brings me to a new fear. What if I, in weight loss parlance, plateau at this current weight, which is 40 pounds short of my goal? How would I consider myself?

And to be brutally honest, I'd probably consider this whole project to be a failure. I love hitting and smashing goals out of the ballpark. I crave winning, and I don't understand losing.

I now that this isn't my weight. I know the math. I know how to use the math to my advantage.

But, that doesn't keep the doubt away. That doesn't keep the fear away. That doesn't keep the possibility of failure away.

Tax Fat People? C'mon people, really.

2009-07-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, so again, I want to reiterate that I am not one of those fat positive people. I don't think people should just be all warm and fuzzy and happy at any size and thumb their nose at healthy and reasonable weight loss and exercise routine. I don't however, think people should be discriminated or hated on or judged for how they look. I think we do that to ourselves way better and way stronger than anyone from peanut gallery can.

Now that the disclaimer is over, I am equally not one of those lets tax fat people for being fat, or let's penalize their health insurance for being fat.

I mean really, is that fair? And, I mean how practical is that? What if I am on the line? So, if I retain a little water, all of a sudden my bmi puts me in the obese category, but the next day I am just overweight. Do I pay less on those days? Or, what if I am muscular, so then I have higher weight but look smaller? Am I penalized for muscle?

Or, what about the person who has Cushings disease where it's wicked hard to be not be overweight, and sadly, its even hard to get a correct diagnosis.

Instead of taking out society's fear of fat and mortality on fat people, why don't we trying a few common sense approaches-

1. Lower the cost of healthy food.
2. Enable the use of pre-tax dollars for the gym, yoga, or pilates.
3. Pay people living wages based on 40 hour work week.
4. Health insurance with a public option, including weight loss counselling.

Tired Week

2009-07-27T12:58:00.001-07:00

Blah. I was tired most of last week, and I've more tired this week. I know, its only Monday.

Perhaps is the heat.

Perhaps the six month point.

Perhaps I'm just tired.

I'm gonna try to go run a bit...

Perhaps I can run myself out of tiredness?

Baggy Spandex

2009-07-24T09:28:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note---

One of my greatest little pleasures comes from being able to see that leggings/spandex. yoga types are baggy on me.

Spandex is material that clings to your body, but on my body, I've managed to shrink enough to make it baggy.

I like it.

I really like it.

Kicking Butt at a Cocktail Party

2009-07-23T08:44:00.000-07:00

I just had to share this story with y'all.

Don't you all love the finger food at cocktail parties?

I mean, what's not to love with scallops wrapped in bacon, or crab cakes with ginger sauce, or lamb chop lollipop, and then lets not even talk about dessert.

But, I said no. I had a lot of fun chatting up people, and didn't eat of any of the food. I didn't need the food and I still had a blast.

Rock at Life moment.

I'm Gonna Run a Marathon...What the ....

2009-07-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, for reals, I am going to commit to doing something scary... and for me, running is scary. I'm not that good at it... But, I want to make it happen...

SO, I am signing up for the Philadelphia Marathon that is being held on November 22nd.

There, I said it. I've committed.

And, I hope you all follow my journey~

On Six Months

2009-07-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

So, six months ago today, I woke up around noon, sore and exhausted from a day of standing in line to never get into the inaguratation, sore from sitting on a floor of a bar crowded with others who were stuck in the purple tickets fiasco but crying tears of joy as George W. Bush became a memory, and exhausted from dancing all night at the Youth Ball.

I looked at myself as I sat on the couch. I saw legs I did not recognize. I saw my swollen ankles. I felt how hard it was to walk up stairs. I saw my face in the mirror and I didn't want that to be my face. I didn't want to weight 240 pounds. I didn't want to be nearly a size 20. I knew I was trapped some where inside my body. So, I sucked it up for one for inaugural ball, pretended to be happy, sort of, but decided I'd come back to Philly and...

Six months later, omg, I can't believe it. I've lost 60 pounds, a few feet of inches, and ten dress sizes. I kind of enjoy watching people's jaw drop when they see me for first time months, and I like when some people are like, umm, you really think you need to lose more weight?

But, its more than just liking how my body looks. I like that my body is now my friend. I like that I can walk without getting tired. I can run without my lungs failing me. I rock at class and can get my legs to lift in these fancy ballet moves.

And, I like that I am happy. I like that six months has changed my life.

We all have six months. Where do you want to be in six months?

The Weighting Game

2009-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's a been a while since my last post. Partly, visiting DC through me for a loop, and upon my return to Philly, I found things I thought to be settled were actually far from settled. So I am waiting and wondering.

But, one this that is hopeful--- I've managed to not think about food in a mathematical sense for the past month. I've stepped away from being OCD about my food intake and instead decided to trust myself on knowing that I can eat well and exercise well.

It's kind of nice to know I know how to eat and exercise...

And, I've still lost weight!!!

On Being Strong

2009-06-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post...

I am totally in love with being physically strong these days...

So So So So

In love.

On Failure and Geography

2009-06-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

I just got to the city where I live now and before from the city where I lived in between. And, just being there, just for a short while,brought back all the anxiety I owned while I was in between.

I noticed that my hunger increased back up to campaign level hunger, and I felt larger and heavier. It was interesting to see how my image of myself is linked to how I feel in certain places.

And, I felt rushes of failure as I realize I am not where I thought I would be. And, that is hard, and sometimes the feeling of failure, for me, outweigh any feeling of joy or success.

I can't enjoy that I've lost more or less 60 pounds because I am not working where I thought I wanted to be working, even though I know I am happier here in my Philly than I am anywhere else. It took a while to be able to step back and embrace that I am happier and healthier than ever before. And, to own this. And, to be proud of this.

It was good to learn this.

Now, I am back home, and I have my fighting face on, and I am going to be happy that "God blesses the winding road that led me straight" to me and being healthy and happy. ( thanks rascal flatts!)

Not Crying

2009-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

Had to share this--- for the first time in years, I tried on a pair of The Gap jeans... and drum roll- not only were the size 12 roomy on me, I didn't cry in the dressing room.

Huge.

I always ended up in tears at The Gap.

I am so thrilled that jean size started out the year rapidly approaching 20 or higher, and now I am closing in on 10.

And, no tears.

Imperfections and Kohlrabi Meditations

2009-06-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

I think I come to love imperfections. While picking kohlrabi in Utica, NY, I came across a few that very imperfect. And, in their imperfection, I saw so much beauty. I saw how nature can still produce live all crooked and deformed. But, it was still alive. It was still kohlrabi. I saw the brilliance of the purple, and bright green leaves, and yes the imperfection, but the beauty was the main part.

I think being around veggies as they grow up into our food is awesome. I see the beauty of our food, I see the imperfections, and I see the possibility.

And, then, I can look at me, and let myself feel the same about me.

On Being Fat

2009-06-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

I am at this interesting part of my journey. I can pass for not being fat right now. I mean, I look close to normal, just on the larger size of normal. And, I am appreciate that the final part of my during journey is going to filled with funner clothes, and happier moments.

But, this has made me think about what it meant to be fat. I know I am supposed to smile and be okay and happy and blah blah blah. But for me, I really need to own that I was < fat for a long time. I need to understand what it meant to be fat, and how to never ever be fat again ( unless I am preggers,but that isn't fat, that is baby!)

For me, being fat was being trapped in a body that was not mine. And, knowing that emotion every minute of every day. It was the feeling of thighs rubbing together, of calves not fitting it jeans, of an ass that was worthy of comments by every asshole on the streets in Columbia Heights and Mt. Pleasant. It was waking up and not wanting to get out of bed. It was feeling like a failure before my first breath of the day and as my head hit the pillow at night and every moment in between.

Every day of my life being fat was a struggle. And, that is without adding in the melodrama of specific moments. Like the asshole at Local 16 who commented on my toe cleavage, or the kids who threw rocks at me in West Philadelphia, or the man at the gas station in Columbia Heights who commented on the size of ass in relation to other people.

For me, being fat was like being in a prison. I was in a prison of fat cells-- entrapping not only my muscles but my spirit.

Because, my body and who I am is not destined to be super size. Its just not me. I am certain that if my soul was meant to be 240 pounds, I'd be happy with.

But, today, I am closer to my goal. Today, I can pass for not being fat. Today, I an enjoy my body.

Today, I am not fat.

It's not even work anymore

2009-06-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

It's not even work anymore. I have been travelling since Thursday and its not even work to eat healthy anymore or to keep up my fitness. I have no desire to eat the Dunkin Donuts, or grab the Wendy's. I enjoyed eating ice cream with my friends, and one pesto bagel with hummus was enough to satify my Bagel Grove cravings.

Its not even work. It's my life now.

And, I've lost six more pounds!

On a Broken Tooth

2009-06-22T10:30:00.001-07:00

I had the most amazing weekend with my friends who are more like family to me than some of my own family. It was lovely to see everyone, play with the baby, and pick a boat load of kholrabi. I was able to see my new found stregnth manifest as I pounded a hundred or so six feet high tomato steaks into the ground with a 15 pound tool. And, I weeded until I was one with the lambs something or another weed.
But, if I would have written this post about 15 hours ago, all I would have written about is how my bad luck streak continues. See, my tooth broke in half and I can not afford to get a crown. Me, this time last year, would have been extermley miserable for a few weeks. Instead, this time around, I let myself be a little upset, and yes, I am still a little upset now, but I remember that attitude is everything, and that even a broken tooth ( while it looks pretty bad) is not the end of the world.
So, I'm gonna roll with it, and I am going to smile, and I am going to be happy knowing that I am part of the most amazing friend group in the world, and that I know how to pick kholrabi.

Some Days...

2009-06-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

Are just a tad bit harder than others. Some days I just sometimes feel larger than I am, and then I feel smaller than I am, and then I just don't know what to feel.

Some days.

Some days I want to get to where I am going and not care as much about the journey.

Some days.

Off to the Farm

2009-06-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging live from Starbucks in Times Square!!! I am on a shorter than expected ( knock on wood) layover enroute to Utica, NY.

I get to spend the next three days pulling weeds, harvesting veggies, slicing bagels, and enjoying the most amazing friends in the world.

I'm excited to have a few days to learn more about farming and ag, as that is an interest of mine, and I hope to be able to bring new lessons learned back to Philly with me.

I'm also excited that I'll get to put my fitness to the test on the farm and by taking bike rides in the hills of Utica.

For you runners out there, Utica is the home of the Boilmaker!!

Wish me luck..

Channeling My Inner Izzy

2009-06-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

I have a fake secret- I am completely hooked on Grey's Anatomy. And, during the past few weeks, I've realized something important, I am a lot like Izzy Stevens. And, what is so Melissa's like about Izzy?

Izzy is the eternal optimist. She believes that the world can be incredible, and she puts her relationships with people above all. She isn't afraid to cut Lvat wires or spend hours planning the most romantic wedding for her best friends. She is open to the world so much so that she'll believe in the ghost of a dead lover over the science that it probably means it is a brain tumor. She just believes and has faith in the world and in beauty.

I've kinda of forgotten about my inner Izzy over the years. Sometimes I could be a little too bit Meredith and at other times more like Christina. But, deep down inside I am Izzy.

I want to truly be happy in the way that Izzy sees the world. I want to make the human contacts in the midst of crazy intense. I want to work on policy but still hold the hand of people suffering Just like Izzy is able to focus on surgery and a clinic for undeserved communities, I don't see why fighting for huge social justice must be divorced from working with individuals and dissolving individual suffering.

And, why am I chanelling my inner Izzy today? Why am I realizing that I am really happy peppy annoyingly smilely? I came face to face with a bitter family member-- one who I thought I finally made a break through while I was in Florida. I thought my kindness and advice was enough to get to know each other. But, alas, she lived up to being mean and two faced. And, in the past, I would have devestated to find this out, but now, in a place of happiness, I just feel this sense of- well that's her problem. She is the one who is choosing to live her life on a foundation of bitterness and fear. And, well, judge me all you want. Criticize me all you want. I am going to be happy. I am going to write my script in life. I am going to forge my own path, and I am going to get where I am going. And, it's your loss that you want sit to back and be pathetic and boring.

I am channeling my inner Izzy. I am choosing happiness and kindness.

A Litte Turnip for Ya

2009-06-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I had a lovely surprise in the weeding of my garden over in NJ. As I pulling up mounds of weeds in the turnip rows, I noticed that a few were starting to peak out of the ground with this magnificent purple hue crowning a snow white bulb. I felt like a proud parent- it used to be this little itty bitty seed and now it was a full fledged turnip- ready for graduation day--- a pot of boiling water and my dinner plate.

With pride, I pulled up that turnip and a few other ones, and as I ate every delicious bite of the turnip and enjoyed turnip greens for the first time in my life, I realized that I am now forever hooked on farming.

Moreover, I am learning a lot about bodies via the veggies. For example, each turnip started out like as the same little seed- but they are growing at their own pace. Some are still little, other are pretty big, and most in between. Their "bodies" are unique and valuable. It's nice to have a different avenue to learn the same lesson.

Enjoy the pic of my first harvest!

Fat-O-Sphere still at it, on Good Morning America

2009-06-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

So, this morning my twitter feed brought me the news that folks promoting the fat-o-sphere were on Good Morning America ( yes, how weird to be blogging about a tweet referencing television news!) While I am not as intensly freaked about by the fat-o-sphere as a few weeks ago, nonetheless I am worried.

Why?

I am worried because I don't people across America to think that acceptance for one's body should be rooted in a pride of being fat or a pride of being thin. I think their "movement" ( which actually degrades the term movement, in my opinion) continues to divide all of us in a categories based on weight and body size. And, really, there is no need to reclaim the word "fat" as in other oppressed communities who reclaim words.

We need to work on us all liking each other and accepting ourselves- whether it is learning how to eat and exercise properly, or how to embrace that your butt is more like JLo than Kate Moss.

And, a snarky movement like the fatosphere isn't going to heal us, nor is it going to change madison avenue, nor food policy.

So, peoples, let's not keep promoting anger and division. Who's for a real love our bodies movement?

I've Lost 50 Pounds

2009-06-11T15:22:00.001-07:00

So, here I am. I am 50 pounds less of me. I've lost 50 pounds exactly since Feb 1st, and that is actually more weight than that since a few weeks I went up, and I have def gained a ton of muscle which is sculpting me into a new body. So, I've probably lost more than 50 pounds of fat which is pretty bad ass if I do say so myself. And, looking back, it has seemed so easy, a lot easier than the energy it took being miserable the years before.

Perhaps those of us in Philly should go out for shots to celebrate?

And, since I'll be in DC at the end of the month, I think a happy hour is called for to celebrate me melting away!

50 pounds. Holy moly!

Rock at Life Moment

2009-06-08T10:38:00.001-07:00

I wanted to share with you all a powerful rock at life moment. Lots time in the past, I've turned to food out of anger hence the need for this project.
Well, yesterday, I was driving up to Newark to help out at a training ( and it was so much fun to be fully me yesterday!) and had stopped at Starbucks to chase away the hunger demons. Back on the road, the traffic became crazy and I was worried I was going to be late and got angry. So, I grabbed for the leftover dried fruit, and tore open the package but before the mostly gross Starbucks dried fruit could meet my tongue, my instincts kicked in and threw them on the floor of the car.

In that instant, I could see that I have truly changed my eating habits. My body won't let me eat out of anger, only out of hunger or pleasure. In that moment, I rocked at life and earned enough confidence that I know I can thrive where ever I do.

I just need to remember to trust myself.

Back to Reality

2009-06-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

Wow. What an amazing time. I had a blast in Florida- from snorkeling in Key Largo to eating my way through Miami, from an air boat ride through the everglades, to 20 mile bike rides in Tampa-- it was incredible.

What's more incredible- I was able to eat food that I enjoyed, exercise out of enjoyment, and in the end, I didn't gain any weight. Over the nearly two weeks, I stayed the exact same weight-- which considering how much I indulged in Miami is a huge huge deal.

I am happy to know that I have mastered my body math, and now that I am back in Philly. I am going to kick up my workload so that I can race towards my goal weight.

Oh, and if anyone out there in blog world wants to buy me the specialized dolce bike- I'd be so thankful!

20 Mile Bike Ride and Hair Cut

2009-05-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

I've been in Florida land since Saturday and before I left I was super worried that I would not be able to keep up my routine.

Since I got here, I've managed to walk four miles a day, run a mile a day, and keep up my ab, legs, and arm work. It's been kinda of cool to realize that at this point, its even more than I want to work out, its that my body has to be in motion.

And, I've been using my cousin's bike. I've gone two short 8-10 mile bikes rides, and this morning went on my first ever 20 mile bike ride. And, I wasn't even out of breath. I try to pace myself at 12 mph with a few sprints built in.

It's so amazing to not be out of breath. I value breath.
And, I've been keeping on my food schedule which is nice, too.

I'm also having loads of fun- been swimming in gulf- where I stepped on a sting ray ( did not get stung, thankfully), went to the Dali museum, and today went to my favorite hair studio- H2O in Tampa. ( Check out my new 'doo)